forever.

Trying to for seek light out of these human walls that hold her, searching for the key to free her from this human prison. But the one with the key won't let her be heard, keeping her forever locked away deep down inside. All she wants is to be heard, to let go of the feelings that dewell within these human walls that hold her from the light. The one keeping her locked away could care less if she will ever be free, she just wants to be happy if she ever let that person out, every happiness that she has ever tried to hold on to will be lost away. On the outside shes pretends to smile and fakes every laugh she forces out to give her friends a bit of hope that she finally happy, but on the inside she knows that she truely isn't. Inside this prisoner knows everything that goes inside this brain they share and she wants is for her other to let the truth out, just hiding all the pain inside but she won't. The other just doesn't want to hurt anymore. She just wants her friends to see that shes finally happy, not to see her go through the same pain she always goes through, she just doesn't wanna die by the hands of herself. So she hides the pain deep inside forever to be lost, so her loved ones will be happy. Forever.

bi sexual

Yes, i am bi sexual.


I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Well i know that it is wrong in god's eyes but i can't help how i feel, inside. I've been hiding this for years and only now i've fnally bring it to everybody's attention. Even though most of the people that know me don't believe that i truely am this way. They just say that they don't see me that WAY. I mean what do i need to do to prove that i'm what i say i am? I've had a few REAL girlfriends in my time, just hid it cause i just didn't know how everybody would take it. I know my GUY friends don't give a shit that i'm bi but that's because they're GUYS! I just didn't want my girl friends to think that i'm just another bi sexual chick who wants to fuck every girl or guy i see. I'm not like that. If you're straight, then you're straight. But if you're NOT one of my friends, close friends and you're confused about what you want i could help with that, honey. haha. I just wish everybody would take me seriously with how i feel. I just don't how they don't take my feelings seriously, i'm not confused about how i feel, i'm joking about how a hot chick turns me on i'm BI SEXUAL!! What don't you people see? I love girls more than i like guys. Thats there is to it.

For what i've become.

Its hard to imagine me having a NORMAL happy childhood isn't it? Well up until the whole parents splitting up bullshit everything before that i was normally a happy GOOD little girl. Those were the days. Now its hard to wash away the tears of shame but whats harder is trying to burn the memories that fill my head. Avoiding the people i love so they don't have to see me this way. When i do try to see them, hoping that they don't see right through me and my fake smiles and laughs, trying so hard not to ruin the happy time spent with me. I just want them to be happy and see me happy because whenever they see me they always see me for what i am. They hate seeing and hearing me that way. Suicidal. Suicidal thoughts get the best of me, and i don't want to ruin it all for them. The only thing i can do is pretend to be happy in their presences and give them the image that they once used to see before i became this way. I hate what i've become, and i trying to change for the better. Nobody can ever put me down more than my own self. When i look in the mirror, i don't know who i see anymore. An unfamiliar face staring at me with hateful eyes, hating all that it sees in front of her, not seeing the tears falling in fear of how much damage she could do towards herself and towards her loved ones. All she ever thinks about is her love ones and how they'd feel if they ever see if this end badly. I hate what i've become. Disturbed. Is the only word to call it.

the future

As i've noticed the past years i've grown so much, learned so little, haven't been around much, i'm still willing to stick around for much more years to come and see the world. I see more and more that i've changed so much, I grow up so much that i'm actually questioning myself "where will i be in 5 years from now?" and i'm actually trying to make a future for myself. Which is so shocking for most people that know me, and they still seem to not believe me when i say things like this or speak my head on life but HEY they just gotta get used to CHANGE. Life is always about changing, and changing for the better. Life comes and goes, and i shouldn't be wasting my time just fooling around and messing up all the time. I actually wanna make something of myself and not just acting a fool and playing childish games. I want a better life than what has become of it now, but i'm still young and i'm doing ALOT of things on my own that pretty much everybody would be surprised. When some people ask me what i'm doing and i reply i'm reading that's a totally shocker. Why can't everybody see that i like read, i may not like to read NORMAL books but if it gets me going i'll read it. But then again if it bores me i just stop reading it haha.

Why can't everybody see that i'm doing these things for myself?
I just don't want to start a new life, fucked up. I can't be a kid all my life, well at least at the right time that is. We all need to grow up sometime in our life, and finally realize that the world doesn't have time for childish games. Thats what you have friends for. What would we all do without friends huh? Well actually just the TRUE ones. I hate fake bitches who PRETEND to be your firend and then talk behind your back. Its just sicking how some people can do that, i could never though i'm not that kind of person. I'm REAL.

tragedies

I was just hoping that there was an ounce of happiness left in that child i used to see in mirror, but that child is gone and grew up too fast to enjoy her short childhood. Regrets is just one thing that effects my day by day life, krama is another but trauma is the biggest thing holding me back from doing the unthinkable. Tragedy surrounds me all the time, my emotions get in the way of me doing what i should do most times, I'm emotionally unstable at times to deal with of everyday tragedy but i depend on my friends and myself to keep me together. Don't you love me? I have no idea what i'm talking about, just random thoughts in my head at 4 in the morning.

rich and the famous

I never seem to understand how some people can think that they can conrol everything and everyone just because they think they're all that when they're really just cruel, cold hearted bitches that want peoples attetention. They shouldn't think that acting the way they do, will bring good of it because just one day someone will put them in their place. kramas a bitch. And i'd think twice before acting like a bitch toward people you dont know and even the ones you know because just some day they'll put you in your place, bitch!

What a world

This is what staying up at four in the morning does to you, i was just listening to music and had just finished a great book. I've noticed as you grow older you tend to see that the world is cruel and could care less about you if you're not rich or famous. And you're standing alone of it all trying to live your life, just hoping, praying for a break but life never does. Thats just life. But when 'the end of days' happens all that bullshit about being rich and famous goes out the window, don't it? Or does that still apply, no matter whats going on with the world?

in the end

Everything happens for a reason, it may seem like you're doing the wrong thing at that moment but if you give it time you'll see it just might've been the right thing in the end.

Never regret the things you do because at some point you knew it was something you needed to do. Life isn't about regrets, its about the things you need to do to keep on living.

I've learned that the hard way, I don't regret anything I've done after I've seen how fake people can be. I just don't understand how people can talk behind people's backs and say their your friend when a TRUE friend would never do that. If you have a problem with someone say it to they're face and stop pretrending you're their friend when you're not. Because in the end you'll see that "krama is a bitch" and it will bite you in the ass someday.