What do i do now?
I hate having to pick between two TOTALLY different things. I don't know what to do or think, it just keeps getting harder and harder everyday. I just wish somebody could pick for me because i ok well my emotions always get in the way of the RIGHT choice. I wish i knew what was going on in their head, like read their minds and whats in their heart so this would be so much easier. Theres so much reasons to choose that one, and same to choose the other. I want all theses feelings to go away already i just wanna be happy, but how can i be happy if i'm always thinking this and that about them.
Life just sucks, man. I guess, the older you get the tougher the choices get. Why can't i just let go of these thoughts? They're killing me not knowing the truth and its killing me if the truth is true. Most times i just wanna scream!! I just wanna earse my mind so i don't remember any of this. I just can't keep going on like this always wondering and never knowing. I'm to afraid to ask because of the outcome. What if it is true, what if it isn't? If it is true it just makes things worse, if it isn't then its a little easier to make myself get over it. But what to do? Man, life sucks.
i'm afraid to ask a friend to ask because they'll know that i was talking about them, to everybody which they probably know already but it would just make things worse for our friendship. God, i really don't know what to do. P L E A S E somebody just help me.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Truth comes out.
People say that the true will set you free, i don't believe such things.
If the truth ever came out, would i ever be free? No i don't think so, who the hell believes this kine of crap?! If a killer told where he killed and buried a person he had killed, would he be free? I don't think so.
TRUTH IS: I never wanted my son. Yes, i mean it. I never wanted him when i was pregnant. I never wanted him when he was born. What do i do? My mom would have never let me give him up, it was too late to for an abortion so what now? There's nothing. My mind has been kept silent for too long now. And every little dirty secert must be spilled.
From the day i found out i was pregnant, i knew i didn't want it. I knew i needed an abortion but just how many months was i? I sort of knew the answer to that already. I didn't have my period for months and and i knew it was too late now. second option. Adoption. But how could a mother give up my own baby when she CAN take care of him? For me, i could but couldn't. NOT because i wouldn't be able to give him up but because my mom wouldn't stop buying him shit. I didn't know what to do. LAST option. Kill myself and baby. How could i? Could i really kill my baby? I would. Didn't have the time, didn't get the chance, and by the time i was ready i lost that chance because i was about to give birth to something i never wanted or ever loved.
The day he was born. I didn't cry. I didn't have ALOT of pain, just some. I didn't feel. All but one feeling. Hatred. For the person who did it to me. For killing my life, my future, my soul, and most of all my body...for it will never be the same. I lost everything from one little thing and things just got worse and worse for me. I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to kill myself and still do.
Sometimes i feel like killing myself and him when i take a shower but i always change my mind because what would everybody say. I'd go to hell and baby would go to heaven. I don't care where i end up, as long as its far away from this life and jail. I could kill my son but i'd go to jail for life. I rather kill myself but when i try to everybody always puts these words in my head telling me that they care about me and that they love me. BULLSHIT. Nobody loves me. How could anybody?
The VOICE. The voice in my head. Its always telling me what to do or say. Screaming in my head to NOT to do this and when to do that. Never knowing what's my own voice from the other anymore. Two different voices. Never knowing who to listen to. Some say i need help, others say i'm crazy. All is true but how can they prove it? There's no way, unless they read this. But nobody ever listens to a crazy person. Nobody will. Not even the ones closest to you. The message could be right in their face, but they never see. The message is in right there in the words you speak but they never listen. What would a crazy person say? You never know.
If the truth ever came out, would i ever be free? No i don't think so, who the hell believes this kine of crap?! If a killer told where he killed and buried a person he had killed, would he be free? I don't think so.
TRUTH IS: I never wanted my son. Yes, i mean it. I never wanted him when i was pregnant. I never wanted him when he was born. What do i do? My mom would have never let me give him up, it was too late to for an abortion so what now? There's nothing. My mind has been kept silent for too long now. And every little dirty secert must be spilled.
From the day i found out i was pregnant, i knew i didn't want it. I knew i needed an abortion but just how many months was i? I sort of knew the answer to that already. I didn't have my period for months and and i knew it was too late now. second option. Adoption. But how could a mother give up my own baby when she CAN take care of him? For me, i could but couldn't. NOT because i wouldn't be able to give him up but because my mom wouldn't stop buying him shit. I didn't know what to do. LAST option. Kill myself and baby. How could i? Could i really kill my baby? I would. Didn't have the time, didn't get the chance, and by the time i was ready i lost that chance because i was about to give birth to something i never wanted or ever loved.
The day he was born. I didn't cry. I didn't have ALOT of pain, just some. I didn't feel. All but one feeling. Hatred. For the person who did it to me. For killing my life, my future, my soul, and most of all my body...for it will never be the same. I lost everything from one little thing and things just got worse and worse for me. I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to kill myself and still do.
Sometimes i feel like killing myself and him when i take a shower but i always change my mind because what would everybody say. I'd go to hell and baby would go to heaven. I don't care where i end up, as long as its far away from this life and jail. I could kill my son but i'd go to jail for life. I rather kill myself but when i try to everybody always puts these words in my head telling me that they care about me and that they love me. BULLSHIT. Nobody loves me. How could anybody?
The VOICE. The voice in my head. Its always telling me what to do or say. Screaming in my head to NOT to do this and when to do that. Never knowing what's my own voice from the other anymore. Two different voices. Never knowing who to listen to. Some say i need help, others say i'm crazy. All is true but how can they prove it? There's no way, unless they read this. But nobody ever listens to a crazy person. Nobody will. Not even the ones closest to you. The message could be right in their face, but they never see. The message is in right there in the words you speak but they never listen. What would a crazy person say? You never know.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Never again.
Ok so i haven't wrote in here for awhile because, on Monday i had the worst day of my life! Seriously this not just some EMO everyday "worst day of my life" it really was.
So in the morning i go get my state ID, which i have now and i look like shit in the picture but finally i got one because i needed one for a few jobs i want. The line was retarded long but that's not the "worst day of my life", its what happened after. So after me, my sister and the babies stood in line for almost 2 hours and finally got my ID we go shopping after we went to a couple stores we decide we want to go to borders. And we have to catch bus of course, because both my sister and i don't drive (which i think she should have gotten her license a long time ago because shes a old bitch!) and while we're rushing to get on the bus (we have the babies with us so we have the strollers) some weirdo junkie is behind me and he says something like oh hes so cute or whatever i don't remember because what he does to me on the bus is worst!
So we get on the bus, i go sit in the back by the window (well baby was by window but you what i mean) and my sister and nephew are right in front of me. When the guy comes toward us he says to my sister "Oh where'd she go?" meaning me, and when he finally spots me he says, "OH there you are." Making like he knows me, thats why my sister thought that i knew him because he comes up to me and is right in front of me at first he talks to baby but in a second he turns and staring at me asks me a question RIGHT IN MY FACE, seriously speaking, up in my face! And i didn't even hear what he said. I thought he said how are you or how old are you, my sister thinks that he might have said what are you like whats my nationalities. So i'm thinking he said how are you so i say good, then he says what and gets closer to my face, so i say i'm good and then he says what, Korean? Then i'm just scared for my life, if i didn't have baby with me i would have said some like get the fuck way from me and scream! Hahaha, but this is no laughing matter right now. So after he said that, i'm thinking in my head what the fuck, man because he was just right in my face like he was gonna kiss me kine and he just staring at me. So after a couple seconds my sister says eh Britt come sit over here. I'm so glad that she said that because if she didn't i would hope that one of the guys around me would say something soon, i think the guy next to me would have said something if that guy didn't stop. So i go sit by my sister and the fucking guy sits in across from me but this time he didn't talk to me. I was trying so hard not to look at him because in the corner of my eye i can see him laughing at himself and he puts like 6 pieces of gum in his mouth, chewing it and looking like its all gonna fall out of his mouth. So when we get to our stop, which is the last stop i guess you could say at Ala Moana we wait for him to get off first, and then everybody else and this one guy that was watching the weirdo to make sure he doesn't do anything else comes off after us. And he tells us that, that guy is a creep and you gotta watch out for him but he does that to everybody.
Just because he does it to everybody still doesn't make me feel better! But i'm glad that, that other guy was there to tell us that and make sure that weirdo doesn't follow us. I'm scarred for life. I'm never going on the bus ever again!!! That really was the worst day of my life!
So in the morning i go get my state ID, which i have now and i look like shit in the picture but finally i got one because i needed one for a few jobs i want. The line was retarded long but that's not the "worst day of my life", its what happened after. So after me, my sister and the babies stood in line for almost 2 hours and finally got my ID we go shopping after we went to a couple stores we decide we want to go to borders. And we have to catch bus of course, because both my sister and i don't drive (which i think she should have gotten her license a long time ago because shes a old bitch!) and while we're rushing to get on the bus (we have the babies with us so we have the strollers) some weirdo junkie is behind me and he says something like oh hes so cute or whatever i don't remember because what he does to me on the bus is worst!
So we get on the bus, i go sit in the back by the window (well baby was by window but you what i mean) and my sister and nephew are right in front of me. When the guy comes toward us he says to my sister "Oh where'd she go?" meaning me, and when he finally spots me he says, "OH there you are." Making like he knows me, thats why my sister thought that i knew him because he comes up to me and is right in front of me at first he talks to baby but in a second he turns and staring at me asks me a question RIGHT IN MY FACE, seriously speaking, up in my face! And i didn't even hear what he said. I thought he said how are you or how old are you, my sister thinks that he might have said what are you like whats my nationalities. So i'm thinking he said how are you so i say good, then he says what and gets closer to my face, so i say i'm good and then he says what, Korean? Then i'm just scared for my life, if i didn't have baby with me i would have said some like get the fuck way from me and scream! Hahaha, but this is no laughing matter right now. So after he said that, i'm thinking in my head what the fuck, man because he was just right in my face like he was gonna kiss me kine and he just staring at me. So after a couple seconds my sister says eh Britt come sit over here. I'm so glad that she said that because if she didn't i would hope that one of the guys around me would say something soon, i think the guy next to me would have said something if that guy didn't stop. So i go sit by my sister and the fucking guy sits in across from me but this time he didn't talk to me. I was trying so hard not to look at him because in the corner of my eye i can see him laughing at himself and he puts like 6 pieces of gum in his mouth, chewing it and looking like its all gonna fall out of his mouth. So when we get to our stop, which is the last stop i guess you could say at Ala Moana we wait for him to get off first, and then everybody else and this one guy that was watching the weirdo to make sure he doesn't do anything else comes off after us. And he tells us that, that guy is a creep and you gotta watch out for him but he does that to everybody.
Just because he does it to everybody still doesn't make me feel better! But i'm glad that, that other guy was there to tell us that and make sure that weirdo doesn't follow us. I'm scarred for life. I'm never going on the bus ever again!!! That really was the worst day of my life!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Pain
Have you ever been through pain? Mentally? Physically? Emotionally?
We've all been there.
In every single form, in our everyday lives. No matter how young you are, you been through it. Even of your first thoughts and knowing that you can feel and touch in the womb, you're sort of in pain maybe you're hungry or when the space is starting feel a bit tight. So even before you're born you feel pain, in so many ways i just can't think of them right now.
I know that i've been through it all. I been there and done it all, maybe i haven't been around the world and back or done crazy things like jumping out of a plane or gone hunting in Africa for elephants(which i would never harm an animal, even if it tried to kill me, thats why you "stay a big fucking distance" from animals that could crash you in a matter of minutes) but i have pains thats not even close to the pain of a car that goes flipping in the air, catching on fire and you're trapped inside burning to death. MENTAL PAIN, i mean its so much worst than that. Theres so many secrets hiden behind theses closed doors in my mind that not even the most trustworthly and closest person can open it. Sometimes not even i can open it. A denial in which only EMOTIONAL PAIN can keep locked. PHYSICAL PAIN, in which case to keep that door from opening from whom that should know is so much unbearable than mental pain.
You're probably thinking i'm just some crazy "emo chick" (which is true) but i'm not always sad, just the thoughts in my head are depressing and to keep the depression from killing me it ALL pours out into a blog. Thats why theres a thing called a diary which is another form of expressing my pain (old fashion way) but i rather type, never waste good ink on something that is so much easier and faster to write on the computer. I truly am happy with my life and the people in it, its just these words, voices, and memories that need to be let free from my mind. NOT every single one, but the ones with unlocked doors. So if you're reading this just know that i'm a very emo crazy person, which you probably already know but just reminding you. You're probably really confused too.
"Smile, it confuses people" :) that is my thing, always keep 'em guessing. hahahahaha!!! Yes, i know i am crazy and i don't care what you think! XD
We've all been there.
In every single form, in our everyday lives. No matter how young you are, you been through it. Even of your first thoughts and knowing that you can feel and touch in the womb, you're sort of in pain maybe you're hungry or when the space is starting feel a bit tight. So even before you're born you feel pain, in so many ways i just can't think of them right now.
I know that i've been through it all. I been there and done it all, maybe i haven't been around the world and back or done crazy things like jumping out of a plane or gone hunting in Africa for elephants(which i would never harm an animal, even if it tried to kill me, thats why you "stay a big fucking distance" from animals that could crash you in a matter of minutes) but i have pains thats not even close to the pain of a car that goes flipping in the air, catching on fire and you're trapped inside burning to death. MENTAL PAIN, i mean its so much worst than that. Theres so many secrets hiden behind theses closed doors in my mind that not even the most trustworthly and closest person can open it. Sometimes not even i can open it. A denial in which only EMOTIONAL PAIN can keep locked. PHYSICAL PAIN, in which case to keep that door from opening from whom that should know is so much unbearable than mental pain.
You're probably thinking i'm just some crazy "emo chick" (which is true) but i'm not always sad, just the thoughts in my head are depressing and to keep the depression from killing me it ALL pours out into a blog. Thats why theres a thing called a diary which is another form of expressing my pain (old fashion way) but i rather type, never waste good ink on something that is so much easier and faster to write on the computer. I truly am happy with my life and the people in it, its just these words, voices, and memories that need to be let free from my mind. NOT every single one, but the ones with unlocked doors. So if you're reading this just know that i'm a very emo crazy person, which you probably already know but just reminding you. You're probably really confused too.
"Smile, it confuses people" :) that is my thing, always keep 'em guessing. hahahahaha!!! Yes, i know i am crazy and i don't care what you think! XD
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