What if..

Did you ever think about what if your life was different?

Like what if you just went down that other road for once? For me i should have, shouldn't have and didn't.

Sometimes i feel like its my fault, which it is. For me. I'm the one who wanted to change. I'm the one who wanted to be someone else. I'm the one who wanted it all. I'm the one who had to be different. And now look at my life. Too late they would say.

I never thought that the paths that i took would lead me here, i mean i know there were so many chances i should have took but just wouldn't listen and when i finally had something good in my life i fucked it up. Big time. Lost everything. Turned into somebody i thought i'd never see again but back to the same ways. I wished so hard for it all to change back to the way it was, but you can only have one happy ending right? And possibly go back right? But not for me, I tried to go back, i tried everything but ended up short handed. No turn around sign for me. But when i finally got one shot at a turn around, it just blow up in my face, just like everything else has in my life.

Its like every choice i make on my own turns up into shit. Even though i ask for peoples for advice it still turns into a fuck up. I wonder if i should just pick what i should do and then go the other way..but wouldn't that mean i'm still picking my own choices? Well that tough. Knowing if the right thing is really the "right thing" to do.

I know this is pretty much confusing, its confusing me too haha, but i'm just saying you know. If only.

baby brother

So here's the whole story.

My mom gets pregnant.
She plans on keeping this thing growing inside of her because her boyfriend is too much of such a big cry baby so she feels sorry for her fugly loser boyfriend because he has no kids. (which you should've done a LONG time ago or at least with a bitch that doesn't have 3 kids and is old to be a grandmother of two grandkids, should've went and find yourself a younger stupid bitch for breed, not with my mom fucker. Oh but wait, you're too ugly and pussy to find somebody any better than my mom, but then again my mom is the loser for being with somebody so fugly and a jerk that all her kids hate him.) Back on point though..so she WAS about almost 3 months when she decides to keep it. Me and my older sister thinks shes a dumbass for not taking her pills like she should or at now get rid it but nooooo her and her stupid feelings. Never taking the moment to think about the stress, the weight, the sleep, and blah blah i was just thinking of her age and how she'll be too tired and stressed out to deal with a baby. For god sacks shes 42 turning 43 and when the baby is 18 she'll be 61, 6fuckin'1 OMG that is seriously old.


Yesterday she gave birth to a white looking baby with a messed up shaped head. =X(hahahahahaha sorry i just hate my mom's boyfriend, trying to not be mean about an innocent child which is my brother.)

Is it so wrong to hate something so small and helpless? Am i a bad person for thinking about never visiting my newborn baby brother? I just can't deal with all the hatred that i have for my mother's loser. I hate him. I FUCKING hate him. I wish he would die. I don't care what people say about how awful i am to say such things, but if you hear how stupid he acts to my mom, and she just takes it you wouldn't be so kind to say nice about him.

My heart beats hard and my blood boils when i see his fuckin' face. I hate him. I don't care if he was driving home, drunk and his car go into a spin..i would pray that happens.

But the lord seems to work in his weird ways. Isn't it weird that my mom's baby was almost born on my dad's birthday? Weird. It would be so funny if the baby was. He doesn't even look like my mom or that fucker. But then again he was just born, but still my son looked like his father but after a few weeks he began to look like his mommy. Whatever, not like i'm gonna be around to see that kid grow. Shame my dad didn't kill him, that night, so many nights ago, years ago when they got into a fight because my mom's loser was drunk.

I feel sorry for the kid. Growing up with a mother who only babys her children, and a loser for a father who can't even wash dishes or stop smoking weed or drinking. Well i don't know if he has but when i walk into that house, it just stinks. I hate that smell. It burns my eyes and my lungs. I fucking hate him.

dear diary.

Alone with me, myself, and i.


It really sucks that i don't get to see my friends, well ya i know i didn't get to see them that much before i moved to town but now its just gonna get harder and harder to see them. Well now not really if they come to alaz alot haha, and i could go to pearlz too just gotta make plans. When i'm with my friends i'm like a different person even to my own self, most times. Its really different when i'm alone, i'm not all happy, smiling, making jokes, or being a perv, its just depressing. Its harder when i can't really explain it. I know that whoever reads this crap thinks i'm just crazy, which is true by the way haha, but i don't know how to find the right words. Life is just so much brighter when i'm around faces other than my own.

I miss the good old days.
I can't see myself in the same way that i used to be anymore, i don't see that young naive kid who couldn't give a rat's ass about reading or listening to her sister. But i've grown so much since then, i have a way different look on life than before. I see germs. Ever since i had my son i just think about germs, making sure that his cups were clean and his new clothes washed before he wore them. I just changed. Before i had my son, i wouldn't give a shit if my candy fell to the floor and i would still eat but different now.

I notice that i've had almost like an OCD thing going on with me lately. My clothes, the baby's clothes, and everybody else's had to be folded correctly and put away in a certain order. Closets in order. Drawers in order. Its weird, i would never find myself doing that kine of thing couple years back.

Perfection.

Nobody is perfect, not everybody has the perfect bod.

Not everybody is a skinny bitch, or a big jock we all don't have the same body. We all come in different shapes, sizes, and colors, we're all born differently but if you're unhappy with the way your body is than change it, but please don't go over board and starve yourselves or throw up or take diet pills to get skinny. You should just try to eat healthy and exercise, just take one step at a time and if you put your mind to it you might be able to get down to a size that suits you. But i still say you should love your body because that's how you were made, I don't like my body but i'm trying to change. Even though i had to cut down on the foods that i love but if i wanna be healthier i gotta stop eating so much fatty and sugary foods. Every once and awhile a good cheeseburger and a small fies ain't so bad but all the time, and i'll die within a short amount of years. Cholesterol is a killer.

So far my diet is going pretty good, before i used to drink like 5 or so sodas a day and eat alots of candy and fatty snacks but now i cut soda out every other day but just one soda and one tiny little candy isn't so bad as what i used to eat. I've also been eating salads everyday instead of eating whatevers for dinner...but if its something that i love i just eat a small portion of it instead of the normal regular bow size i used to eat with. Anyways just LOVE your body.

guns

So today i went to a shooting range for my birthday, well more like a late birthday gift but still cool to go and shoot a gun.

Why is it that everybody thinks that just because i'm a girl i'd get scared of shooting a gun? Come on now, you all should know by now that I'm far fromclose to being normal or farther more a girly girl that is. I was just raised up differently thats all, when i was 5 i used to collect little army men and alot of boy toys but don't think that all my toys were boy stuff i used to play with barbies and doll stuff. Back on fact though, i was not raised up to be a girly girl, my mom them all say that i'm my dad's son in a girl's body and my dad would take me to do all kines of stuff that you would think a father and son would do but no i liked going out and doing those things with my dad.

Anyways going out today and going to the shooting range was alot of fun and a weird and powerful rush that came over me and i loved it more than i ever thought i would. It felt so right to hold a gun to my hand and shoot it, i don't know its like i was meant to hold a gun and shoot things hehehe. It just felt so right, know what i mean? I didn't have a hard time at all holding it right and aiming because when me and my dad used to go shooting cats or small animals with the BB guns, of course you had to hold it a certain way and aim. So i guess i was kind of used to aiming, though my dad never let me shoot because i was kind of young and didn't want to waste his bullets or whatever you call it for BB guns haha.

Maybe going to a shooting range more often will keep my mind at bay from this good and bad day, for you see today my boyfriend has to leave for youth challenge and just so happens today was his last day but at least i got to see him before he left which made me very happy and sad at the same time :)): haha. Well hopefully these 6 months will just fly right my me, only hoping it will. But maybe with the help of shooting guns, going to work, and going to school will keep my mind off him while the days go by.

waiting forever.

6 months. It seems like forever, because its half a year but i've gone on longer without being with someone or even trying to get with someone cause my mind was on somebody else so i think i can manage. Everybody says but "what if somebody just comes into your life, unexpectedly and you have feelings for him or HER too?" well like i said to everybody theres just NO WAY thats gonna happen because if i don't go anywhere will guys or girls can hit on me and i don't wanna talk to them or make eye contact once so ever then theres just no way that i could possibly fall for someone.

And to me i just don't want anybody else in my life but him, he makes so happy i just can't control myself around him i can really be myself around him and he met pretty much all my family well at least all the islanders. If i didn't love him so much i would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER in my life bring him home to meet the fam. ESPICALLY my dad's side. And as just as i knew how they would react to him, they just stared at him like "who the fuck is this guy?" haha but i don't give a shit what they think. Its my life and i'll do as i please.

I only wish it wasn't for 6 months but i've waited longer so ya, but on a plus side i'll be pretty busy most of the time. With school, work, reading books, and cleaning house stuff so i guess my mind will be side tracked. And also i'll be writing to him so maybe it won't be so bad but still "6 MONTHS" sounds so far away but time flies by me so fast now a days that maybe it won't be so hard to bare.

But on a negative note, what if he doesn't want me back after this LOOOOOOOOONG break? It makes me wonder if he'll still love me after all this. It hurts to think of it and everybodys just wondered about me finding somebody else while hes on lock down. But theres girls there too and what if he falls for one of them? Ya ya ya, i know you guys are just gonna say "he'd NEVER do that!" but what about me huh? why is it different for me? I know at times i do fall fast for some people but its different now that my heart is on lock down right now. If i put my mind, body, and soul into waiting for him i can do it. I mean it. Seriously.

But back to the matter at hand, what if he did fall for somebody else? Where would that lead me? Would that loooong waiting be meaningless? Some people say yes and they say that i should just go out and enjoy this time apart to explore the world and see whats out there. My world is just standing two feet away from my face or staring into my eyes everytime we meet or always finding ways to make me smile when our lives at their worst. Theres nothing better than being with the one you love most, and i love him most in this lifetime and i don't plan on finding anybody else. UNLESS, there's always gotta be an unless...and so if he EVER cheated on me i would kill him and then be forever in depression for like couple years possibly unless i'd find it in me and ask myself "is he really worth my time and heart?" but who knows what the future holds for us, two. And right now i'm just trying to focus on the NOW and not the LATER. Right now, all i know is that i love him and i don't want nobody else.

missing words.

Trying to find the words.



hmmm, sorry today i've been acting very weird must be all the sugar. So one of my New Year resolutions is to lose a few pounds okay okay maybe more than i few, even though everybody says i don't need to but for my sack i think i do. I've doing pretty good so far...no soda[:( poo] i miss it so, been eating salads, instead of eating what everybody else is eating for dinner, and just trying to cut back on the sweets...well i'm not doing so well on that part but i'm trying. Its so hard to not find myself eating, when i'm bored i eat, when i eat i'm bored...if that makes any sense at all haha.

Durring the day, since i haven't gotten a job yet i just at home, clean up, wash dishes, play with my dorseys[for your information that would be my dogs that are almost as big as horses so there for my "dorseys" tee hee] i also catch up on my reading because lately i haven't been oops haha, and i eat i don't eat salads, i eat sweets and such...bad of me. I should be eating salads but i don't wanna eat up all my salads, its almost gone.

seventeen

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR ME TO GET A JOB!?!?

haha, i'm trying to get a job because i need some cash just like any other teenage kid. But not all teenage kids gotta kid and need to save up for his preschool, food, and other stuff he may need when he gets older.

I just wanna work at borders so then i can get an discount on my books haha. It would be kind of cool to work at borders, discounted books, AC(depending on if it doesn't break that day) and i could shopping everyday(that is if i have money) by ward if i get the job. I've been so busy lately with trying to get in to C-base, fixing the house, and helping out but its getting a little too much for me. I just hope i pass the tests and shit i just wanna get everything done and over with. It sucks getting older. So much things that need to be done, putting money into a savings and bills that need to be paid, sometimes i wish i was still in middle school things were much less harder than now.

AND on top of it all, my grandpa wants me to go to college there is no way i can get into a college. My sister's tryna get me into this other program thats like C-base but its a little bit different because you can try to get into college if you choose. But there is NO WAY i'm going to college, there just isn't i have too much things to do i don't have time for college. Taking care a baby, maybe getting two jobs, helping out at the house, and buying food for the house there's no time for extra school. I might not even have enough time for C-base, but i need to. But my sister only wants me to try do the other program because my grandpas gonna get his panties in a bunch because i can't get into college.....OH PLEASE get over yourself, look my sister she only went to college not even for 2 years and she's doing fine. Geez, just let us live our own lives, like he was tryna say if i wanted a "study desk" in my room(at my sisters house) but there is no room for a desk, my room is TOO small i already have a bed, dresser, night stand, tv stand, dresser for baby, and a closet that you need to open the door not like the slider one. He was saying that we could move the dresser to the corner and the night stand closer to the bed, how fucking small will the desk be? Enough to put one piece of paper and the book on my lap? HA. Hes just so stupid, and does it look like i'm going to be studying anytime soon? haha, well i have to but i don't need a desk in my room for that. I can just use the dining room table for god sakes, damn asians. Thank god my mom wasn't like that i'd kill myself trying to get perfect grades and shit. Fuck that.

vampyres

I wish i was a vampire.
Vampires get to live forever, they're fast, they're strong, they're smart, they drink blood, and they're suppose to be the most beautifulest people. But of course with all people they have they're flaws, like they can't go out in the sun, they can't eat gralic, and blah blah all those other stuff about vampires that people make up in movies and books.

If only there were such a person, i would give up everything to be one. But when you really think about it..is there really such a person as vampire? Now just because there's movies and books about it doesn't mean that its not true. What about werewolves, witches, and such? What if they're real too? Now did you ever think about that, hmm who really knows whats out in this world, with our government always hiding stuff to "protect" us would they tell us there really are vampires or just keep on the low like 9/11 when it could have been so easly sovled. But then again i'm just a kid and i don't know nothing cause i'm young. Whatever people just cause you're a kid, don't mean you don't know more than what you're parents could know. Back on point though, it would be awesome to be vampire!

books, books, and books.

If only somethings were so easy to do.

Such as making goals for yourself, but its easier said than done right? I swear there are so many times i could count that i've made a goal for myself and never done. Hopefully this year things will get much easier will help of course, from my sister. Haha now that i'm living at her house things are going to change so much that i don't even know where to begin. There's just so much things that i have to do, i'm so busy most of the time i don't even have the time to watch tv anymore. At least that keeps my eyes off the tv for awhile, iand i've been so obessed with reading books lately its crazy! But as well i've been busy with helping out lately i haven't got the time. Its so weird to see myself reading alots and alots of books lately, knowing that a couple years back i would never see myself even picking up a book that was meant for school. But now that i see that theres so many books about vampires, werewolves, witches and stuff like that its interesting how the authors of these books make everything come alive. I just love it! Who would've thought that i'd be reading books, maybe not normal books but still books none the less. My sister always gets on my case about that i can just borrow books from the library but why would i when i can just read MY books whenever i want to and if i decide to read it again i can. I don't care if it cost me money as long as the books are mine i'm happy :)